Thursday, 21 June 2012

Facebook - Terms (and Conditions) of Endearment

******* ****** has changed his relationship status
******* ****** is now single

We've all seen it.  Then watched with compulsive fascination to see any comments that are made, wondering what has happened but not quite knowing the protocol.  In the past, the days *BF, this would have never been an issue.  We would have bumped into an old friend on the street, swapped pleasantries, enquired "How's the missus?" only to receive the reply, "Oh, didn't you hear?" and would then get the full story from the (newly-single) horses mouth.   
Yet now, this is rarely the way things will pan out.  Our friendships through Facebook are totally different.  We become "friends" with people who would normally just remain acquaintances.  We're kept in constant contact with friends who we don't know too well *IRL.  We're all too aware, also, that there is no "tone" in our comment.  It's hard to convey actually sympathy when we can neither show a caring face nor rest a reassuring hand.
"So", you say, "send a private message." But it's not that simple.  I'm "friends" with enough teenagers to have seen, all too frequently, a status in the vein of "Why me?? *FML :'(" only to be followed by a litany of sad faces, interspersed with "*PM me now!". This makes me feel that sending a PM is like digging for dirt and, often assuming a close relationship that I may not have.
I don't think it's attention seeking to change your relationship status on Facebook without telling the whole story.  I can imagine you'd want people to know so they don't put their foot in it.  
Then you're also left with another dilemma.  If you're friends with a couple and they split up, who do you stay friends with?  I fell out with a friend once because she insisted that I unfriend her ex on Facebook and I refused.  Is it the same as taking sides?  Doesn't it become like splitting the record collection, where each chooses which Facebook friends to keep?  And if I do unfriend, do I still keep them tagged in my photos? 

******* ****** is now in a relationship with ******* *******

So it's not just in break-ups that I can commit a social media faux pas.  Commenting on a friend's new relationship is easy enough, but when they actually mention their new beau, we can't help but have a nosey to see who they are.  Are we allowed then to comment, passing critique? "Wow, he's a bit of alright! I definitely would!" or "Hon, you could do so much better!!"

Well, I think we can safely say that I'm never gonna know the right things to say.  And when I'm as a loss, I find that, as IRL, *hugs* generally do the job!

BF - Before Facebook
IRL - In Real Life
FML - Fuck My Life
PM - Private Message

Tuesday, 12 June 2012

What Twitter Has Taught Me

Since I joined Twitter (12th October 2008), I've been accused of "wasting my time" with people I don't know, talking rubbish.  However this is certainly not the case.  There are many things I have learned from Twitter.

Most celebrities aren't as pleasant as they appear - although some are @Schofe

People do find real love on the internet @lisaflowers54 & @mattalbans  @GKM77X & @francopopfille

Rude and irreverent is bloody hilarious and brings out the worst in me @jinks67

Home schooling is an excellent option when it's done right @liveotherwise

The law is a ass @pauljchambers

Nothing compares to sisters @24caratblonde & @dumbblonde301

Any Dream Will Do and if you stick to it, it may come true @mduffywriter

You don't need alcohol to be witty and entertaining - sometimes tea does it @Tasshhaaar

There are things I don't need to learn coz someone else will have the answer @unabatedshagie

Ginger kittens make people soft @KingOfAnkh

There is a LOT to be won on the internet @SuperluckyDi

Friday nights are staying in nights @FridayTwiz

Mine is not the only family that communicates through Twitter @ChrisseBeads, @MaestroOfWyre, @joshuaflitter & @_Canard

The weirdest thing about meeting people you met online is that it's not weird @cdlees

Make-up is an artform that I will never master @JoJo_Nash

Bowls can be quite competative @Asher_Basher1

I STILL have no idea what copywriters do @bobblebardsley

There nowt like a proper bromance @imintheshed & @willbuckley

I have made many friends on Twitter, some that I know will be friends forever @nickie72, @Dennisisamenace, @Becki_says, @liberatedwomble and many, many, many more!

Friday, 8 June 2012

How To Be Perfect - A Drunken Post

So it's close to midnight on a Friday night.  This should excuse EVERYTHING that follows that statement.  Nickie at Typecast has just tweeted me THIS link.  It made me sick up into my mouth.  
I'm perfect. Here's how I did it.

Sleep is for the weak. Stay awake until you're no longer sober.

Eat a Rennie every morning.

Be a cunt.  People pretend to be offended but they really love it.

Expect everything.  Everything comes to those who wait.

Get a woman in to do the housework.

Hold on to your anger until you get the opportunity to punch to person who's angered you.

Wear comfortable shoes - much better for a quick getaway.

Don't spend time with "actual" people - your best friends are on Twitter anyhow.

Leave everything till the last minute - your time is precious.

Be a cunt, but always say thanks.

Get a dishwasher.

Teach your children to pour a cocktail.  It's invaluable.

You're perfect - own it!

Progression is people realising you're a cunt.

Make people do stuff for you until you're happy.  It makes them feel worthy.

Save up for botox.

Accidents happen.  Wine cures most things.

Don't blow smoke through your arse.

Count to ten.... (one punch... two punches....)

Don't flash a policeman.... again....

Be bad.   And a cunt.

Lie to everyone, including yourself.

Be crazy... it's funny as fuck!

Drink plenty of wine.  When asked what you'd like to drink, say "More wine"

Take your bottles to the recycling at night... stops the neighbours gossiping.

Sex life... it's a must.

Never carry change... someone else should always pay.

When there's a shooting in the street, it's mostly involving you.  Run like fuck.