Friday 8 June 2012

How To Be Perfect - A Drunken Post

So it's close to midnight on a Friday night.  This should excuse EVERYTHING that follows that statement.  Nickie at Typecast has just tweeted me THIS link.  It made me sick up into my mouth.  
I'm perfect. Here's how I did it.

Sleep is for the weak. Stay awake until you're no longer sober.

Eat a Rennie every morning.

Be a cunt.  People pretend to be offended but they really love it.

Expect everything.  Everything comes to those who wait.

Get a woman in to do the housework.

Hold on to your anger until you get the opportunity to punch to person who's angered you.

Wear comfortable shoes - much better for a quick getaway.

Don't spend time with "actual" people - your best friends are on Twitter anyhow.

Leave everything till the last minute - your time is precious.

Be a cunt, but always say thanks.

Get a dishwasher.

Teach your children to pour a cocktail.  It's invaluable.

You're perfect - own it!

Progression is people realising you're a cunt.

Make people do stuff for you until you're happy.  It makes them feel worthy.

Save up for botox.

Accidents happen.  Wine cures most things.

Don't blow smoke through your arse.

Count to ten.... (one punch... two punches....)

Don't flash a policeman.... again....

Be bad.   And a cunt.

Lie to everyone, including yourself.

Be crazy... it's funny as fuck!

Drink plenty of wine.  When asked what you'd like to drink, say "More wine"

Take your bottles to the recycling at night... stops the neighbours gossiping.

Sex life... it's a must.

Never carry change... someone else should always pay.

When there's a shooting in the street, it's mostly involving you.  Run like fuck.

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