How To Be Perfect - A Drunken Post

So it's close to midnight on a Friday night.  This should excuse EVERYTHING that follows that statement.  Nickie at Typecast has just tweeted me THIS link.  It made me sick up into my mouth.  
I'm perfect. Here's how I did it.


Sleep is for the weak. Stay awake until you're no longer sober.


Eat a Rennie every morning.


Be a cunt.  People pretend to be offended but they really love it.


Expect everything.  Everything comes to those who wait.


Get a woman in to do the housework.


Hold on to your anger until you get the opportunity to punch to person who's angered you.


Wear comfortable shoes - much better for a quick getaway.


Don't spend time with "actual" people - your best friends are on Twitter anyhow.


Leave everything till the last minute - your time is precious.


Be a cunt, but always say thanks.


Get a dishwasher.


Teach your children to pour a cocktail.  It's invaluable.


You're perfect - own it!


Progression is people realising you're a cunt.


Make people do stuff for you until you're happy.  It makes them feel worthy.


Save up for botox.


Accidents happen.  Wine cures most things.


Don't blow smoke through your arse.


Count to ten.... (one punch... two punches....)


Don't flash a policeman.... again....


Be bad.   And a cunt.


Lie to everyone, including yourself.


Be crazy... it's funny as fuck!


Drink plenty of wine.  When asked what you'd like to drink, say "More wine"


Take your bottles to the recycling at night... stops the neighbours gossiping.


Sex life... it's a must.


Never carry change... someone else should always pay.


When there's a shooting in the street, it's mostly involving you.  Run like fuck.

Our Song

When I read Nickie's Our Song post, I immediately thought I'd tag along with it, so was pleasantly surprised to find that she'd tagged ME on it!


Paul and I never got married, so no wedding first dance for me either.  But there will always be one song that will be "ours".  When we first met, we both worked nights for a taxi firm - he as a driver and me as a base controller.  I fancied him from the first time I saw him.  And it wasn't long before he was dropping me home... the long way....


He drove a fairly ancient Merc with a dodgy tape deck.  One morning, he said he wanted to play me a song that suited our relationship.  And pressed play.  Nothing happened.  He stopped, rewound and tried again.  Still nothing.  Then some slow whirring.  Then a snippet of this...

He couldn't get it play all the way through.  He got all embarassed.  It was so cute.


And 17 years later, when I hear this song, it takes me back.  And I love him more and fancy him just as much as I did then.

Skin.... care?

I have an confession.  I don't have a skin regime.  I don't cleanse, tone and moisturise.  Up until this week, I haven't used a face mask since I was 14 and had a girlie sleepover.  I have dry skin and I use creams, but don't use any particular brand and use the same one for my whole body.  I wash my face with shower gel while I'm in the shower.  I take my make-up off at night and that's as much of a treatment my face gets before I go to bed.


I didn't think I was alone.  When I was young, my mum had very few bottles on her dresser and certainly didn't have time to worry about her skin so maybe I picked it up from her. (Although her skin was pretty good up until she died, despite the fact that she also smoked).  But I've recently found out that I may be in a minority.  Is everyone else tending regularly to the skin?


So that's where you come in.  I want to know what you do.  Do you have an involved routine which involves various creams and serums? Do you think your skin shows the fruits of your labour?  Have you ever chosen a more invasive option?  I would really appreciate it if you could comment below and let me know.  This isn't a sponsored post or anything like that, but it would make my job a bit easier if I know what people really want.

Her Hand - My #dosomethingyummy Post Week 4

This week's prompt from Nickie at Typecast's #dosomethingyummy post was difficult for me. These blog prompts have been to raise awareness of CLIC Sargent, who help families deal with cancer in children and young people. I've been lucky never to have to face anything like many families do.  So this week, I've decided to write a poem, which is inspired by Nickie's blogs about her family and her experiences with her daughter (with some poetic license!).






Her hand grasps my finger the very first time
As she enters the world with a yell
With all her ten fingers and ten tiny toes
Our precious new daughter is well


Her hand pulls her bottle, as she guzzles down
She's growing with each passing day
Beginning to smile, to gurgle, to laugh
She is talking in her special way


Her hand holds so tight to the edge of the chair
As she struggles to get to her feet
She's taking the first of those tentative steps
And she often lands back on her seat!


Her hand grips my sleeve as we wander through clinical
Corridors we don't belong
But sensing as only a mother can do
That something was seriously wrong


Her hand lying still on the hospital bed
Surrounded by bleeping machines
So quietly laying, not making a sound
Is my girl who was once full of beans


Her hand has a needle that leads to a tube
My princess seems ever so brittle
It is so unfair, that she suffer like this
My girl who is ever so little


Her hand....


Her hand holds his hand as he places the ring
On the finger that makes her his wife
The joy in my heart at the woman she is
After all the hard times in her life


Her hand holds a hand for the very first time
And I see how my baby has grown
With all her ten fingers and ten tiny toes
She has a princess of her own.

Work Placements and Pitchforks

So we've all seen the Tesco "job vacancy" and been suitably appalled by the barefaced cheek of such a huge multi-national and not-so-loved company, rubbing it into the faces of the unemployed and those on benefits.  Like mostly everyone, I was please to see that Tesco had ceased with JSA work placements. They are a big company; as of last August, they had pre-tax profits of £1.9bn so they can afford to pay their staff.  I know someone who's been working for the last three weeks on a WP with Tesco and she's not receiving the experience she's been promised.  She's being made to fill a position which Tesco should be paying an employee to do.  This is not the thinking the government had behind the work placement idea.


Yet in the last few days, more and more companies have pulled out of the work placement scheme.  Oxfam was one of these said companies.  Are we equating Tesco with Oxfam? Is it really the same thing? As experienced social media users, we know our own strength. We know what we share, what we tweet can change opinions.  Though sometimes, we spend so much time being horrified, we fail to see the big picture.  I feel that, in our efforts to be amoral, we've thrown the baby out with the bathwater.  In my opinion, the work placements idea was a good one.  Obviously, like with most plans, it doesn't suit everyone.  It won't work for everyone and it's not ideal.  However, it can give much needed experience to people who need it and may culminate in a paid position.  As of April 2011, unemployment in 16 to 17yr olds was at 218,000.  This means that most of these teens have never worked and will find it difficult to find a job without experience.  In the last few years, the recession has caused many jobs losses and forced people to reconsider their career choices.  Work placements can give them a change to try something new, to see it if suits them.  It hasn't been much publicised, but job seekers can seek their own work placements, in fields that interest them and they will be considered.


So as our influence as social media increases, let's choose our battles wisely.  Remember, with great power, comes great responsibility.

What's pissed me off this week

My karma was so wonderfully restored after my last "rant" blog, that I decided to go again.  This week has been a really good week, as I'm back working at The Body Shop, a job I never really wanted to leave.  However, there were still a few "issues" that got up my nose.

1. Employers, don't wait until your employee is leaving to tell them how much you appreciate what they do.  Maybe the reason they are leaving is because they feel undervalued?
2. Tesco and JSA Work Placements - I don't think I need to explain this one and it's really made me fucking angry! If you need the workers, fucking pay them!
3. Bloggers: My new years resolution was to comment on as many blogs as I read.  Don't make this a pain with Captcha.
4. Facebookers: STOP POSTING FAKE PHOTOS OF KIDS WITH "CANCER"! It's an insult to kids who actually HAVE cancer.  If you wanna raise awareness of childhood cancer, post this instead! (Oh and Snopes is your friend).
5. Smug Valentines - need I say more? 

How has your week been? Agree? Disagree?

#dosomethingyummy - Getting Together (a vlog)

The week three of Nickie at Typecast's #dosomethingyummy blog prompts to raise awareness of childhood cancer with CLIC Sargent was Getting Together.  

This week is a busy week for me as I'm back at work in The Body Shop (yay!), so I decided to let the lads to the talking.
(This video is uncensored and my lads are teenagers so NSFW - seriously, my lads have filthy mouths... I don't know WHERE they get it from?!) 

In case you can't hear them, due to the manic laughing, here's a list of the questions I asked, as per Nickie's brief.

• What is something mum always says to you?
• What makes mum happy?
• What makes mum sad?
• How does your mum make you laugh?
• What was your mum like as a child?
• How old is your mum?
• How tall is your mum?
• What is her favourite thing to do?
• What does your mum do when you're not around?
• If your mum becomes famous, what will it be for?
• What is your mum really good at?
• What does your mum do for her job?
• What's your mum's favourite food?
• What makes you proud of your mum?
• If your mum were a cartoon character, which one would she be?
• What do you and your mum do together?
• How are you and your mum the same?
• How are you and your mum different?
• How do you know your mum loves you?